I spoke with my sister on the phone today. I called to ask her the date that our mother,
Peggy, died. I couldn’t remember. I am horrible with remembering
dates. I admitted that to my sister and she said it’s not my fault.
She was quick to remind me that I am a man and that men forget things like
dates, anniversaries, birthdays, and to never let the kids play with the ground
hog in the backyard. I was going to ask about the ground hog but she was
on a roll. So I let her roll. In the last forty some odd years or
so, I have learned that it is not possible to stop a woman on a roll. It is usually best to either roll with them or
just step out of the way and catch back up to them after they are done
rolling.
I stepped out
of the way as she rolled by and started day dreaming until she slowed down a
bit. When she stopped rolling she said,
“December 18, 2003. Peggy died December 18, 2003.” That was a difficult time in my life, as it is
for most that lose a parent. I prayed for God to help me through it all
back then, but only halfheartedly. At that point in my life, I had begun
to think that there was either no God or that He no longer cared about
me. I was much more stupid then than I am these days. That was the
beginning of a dark time for me. God did
help me through that time, of course, but I couldn’t see it then. I can
see it now.
The morning of
her funeral, December 22, 2003 at 9:05 am, I dropped my wife and our girls, at
the front door of the St Mark’s Chapel so they could go in before I pulled into
the parking lot. My youngest, who was three years old, said, “Don’t
forget Grammy’s box, Daddyboy.” I nodded and said, “Ok Sugar.” My mother wanted to be cremated, so she
was. She was in a box on the front seat between my wife and me. “You Ok?” Trixie asked. I nodded.
My wife had
helped me to take care of my mother for years. The same wife who had
defended my mother’s right to be a mother when I did not think my mother was
deserving of that. She was the wife who held me in her arms the
night before the funeral, when I cried like I had never cried before. She
shut the door to the car and I parked. I sat there for a second, and then
I started talking to the box that held my mother’s ashes. “I wrote your
eulogy, Peggy,” I said to the box. Then
I told the box, “I don’t think I got it like you would have wanted it. I
tried my best though.” I had finished
her eulogy, printed it out earlier that morning, and stuffed it into the pocket
of my jacket. My eyes started leaking a little, so I stopped talking to the
box.
I grabbed the
box and stepped out of the car. I stared at the Chapel. There were
the same steps where my mother fell down and broke her leg when I was 5 years
old after Church one Sunday. The same old Gothic styled Chapel that I
loved to go to because it was so interesting inside. It was the same
Chapel where my youngest was baptized by Father Whatley. It was Fr.
Whatley who gave me my first communion.
The
same Fr. Whatley who saved me from certain suspension in elementary school, coached
me in football in high school, and told me once that the best weddings and
funerals are the ones that are the shortest.
I saw him through the window of the sacristy
from the parking lot, getting things ready for Peggy’s funeral.
I hoped that this would be his shortest
funeral yet.
I knew I would
fall to pieces as soon I walked into that Chapel. It would be decorated for Christmas and it
would be beautiful and I would not have the slightest hope of being able to
read her eulogy. I had no idea how I
would ever be able to walk into that Chapel that morning. I shut the car
door and turned around and I saw a man standing next to a car across the
parking lot. He waved and called to me. I walked in his direction
and not until I was halfway there did I recognized him. It was
Fieds. Fieds is an old friend from my college days. “Fieds!” I
said. “What are you doing here?” “This is what friends do.
How are you doing?” he said with a giant smile. And we talked for a few
moments. I had not seen Fieds in over twenty years. We started to walk
toward the Chapel and we kept talking. Maybe Fieds knew it then and maybe
Fieds didn’t know it at all, but Fieds carried me into that Chapel that
morning. I couldn’t see it then, but I can see it now.
The Mass went
as most do. I paid little attention to what was said. After years
of going to Church, I knew when to sit and stand, and that is what I did.
I was most concerned with being able to read the eulogy for my mother. Fr. Whatley gave an amazing sermon. It was not about dying; it was about living a
full life and then going home. I
listened to every word. I did not hear a single one. Then he called
me and my brother and sisters to the altar to say a few words to the people who
had come to celebrate the life of my mother. He quietly told us that I
would read her eulogy last. And as we all turned around, standing up on
the altar, behind my brother and sisters, all I could see were the faces.
There was my wife and our kids right up front. There was Fieds in the back under the balcony
that held the old pipe organ, and next to him was TheOldMan, my best friend in
high school and college and his wife. TheOldMan was the same guy that
told me to take the ball from the guy on the other team who actually recovered
it, under the pile in a football game to save a win. TheOldMan was
the same guy that tried his hardest to point me in the right direction, but
loved me enough to let me go ahead and find my own way. Next to them was
Scotty, another high school friend. The same guy, who used to time weddings and
funerals with me to prove that the best ones were the shortest. Closer to
the front was my Aunt, the nun. The same Aunt that taught me if I sinned,
God would send me to Hell in a hand basket. The same Aunt who used to
cheat at Monopoly. A row behind her was my Uncle. The same Uncle, who
taught me a trade and hired me when I did not have a job. I saw the faces of my cousins all over the
place. The same cousins I grew up with
and spent summers with. The same cousins
who just understood everything somehow without words. There were so many
faces. And I saw each one, a memory in my mind. My sister was finishing up. It was my
turn. There was more going on there
then, I just could not see it. I can see it now.
As I stepped
to the microphone, I looked out at everyone. I saw even more faces.
Some hurting, some crying, some peaceful, some only there because they felt
some sort of social obligation to be there, some concerned, some angry, but I
saw the faces. I just stood there for a second. I didn’t say anything. I reached into my
pocket and pulled out Peggy’s eulogy. I unfolded it and put it on the
lectern. I thanked everyone, on behalf of our family, for coming to
celebrate Peggy’s life during this busy time, three days before
Christmas. I thanked Father Whatley for keeping the mass as short as
possible. He smiled and gave me thumbs up. I saw Scotty smile in
the back of the Chapel. I knew I would
never get past the first few words. I
folded the eulogy, held it up, and said, “I am supposed to read a eulogy that I
have written for my mother. She would have loved it too. She would
have loved it because it would have reduced some of you to tears. A river
of tears. She loved the drama after
all. But after hearing Fr. Whatley and my brother and sisters this
morning, I don’t think that there is anything more I can say that hasn’t
already been said. Thank you all for coming today. God Bless you
and Merry Christmas.” I put the eulogy
back in my pocket. As my brother and
sisters and I walked back to our pew, Fr. Whatley asked me quietly, “You’re not
going to read it?” I replied, “I didn’t see any reason.” I can see it now.
What I can see
now is how important the people around us are in our lives. The people
that I saw so many times before, I never really saw at all. It was not
until I saw those people that day, and that way, that I realized how important
each one of them is to me. Every person I have ever met or will ever meet
has been placed in my life for a reason. I can see it now.
My wife put
together a pile of clothes to send to a local homeless shelter yesterday.
In the inside pocket of a jacket that I would never wear again, I found that
eulogy. It was still folded the way that I had left it that day, so many
years ago, December 22, 2003. It was never read or even seen by
anyone. I just didn't see the purpose of showing it to anyone
then. I can see it now.
That is all.
Peggy’s
Eulogy
I watched my mother die last
Thursday. I held her hand. I was there with my brother and
sisters. There was a priest there that gave her Last Rites. My
mother was not in pain when she died. Everything was as I think most people
want it to be when they die. Nonetheless, I was still greatly saddened to
know that I would never hold her hand again. My sadness was overtaken
rather quickly with the knowledge that her pain was gone. Her death was easy when you compared it to her
life.
Peggy lived through a lot of pain, a lot
of sadness. She willed her small, frail, fragile body through medical
procedures that should have left her dead long ago. She fought demons
that kill the strongest of men and she beat each demon into submission.
She recognized her wrongs and no matter how long it took, corrected each one of
them though great effort and courage and never looked back.
She did not want to die, so I take heart
knowing that she did not have to wonder if this was the time when she would
lose the battle. She loved her children and grandchildren and all of her
family. That love is what drove her to fight so hard to live. In
the end when I looked at her body one last time I could only note that there
was something missing. It could only have been her soul.
A massive soul it was for such a small and
crippled body. Her soul I know is in a place where there is no
pain. Her skin is beautiful and her hair is always done. Her
fingers don’t crack and pop when she sews, and she can sleep as late as she
would like to. It is always spring there and anything she plants will
grow. It is never too cold or too hot and there is a wonderful view, a
view that will allow her to always to watch over the grandchildren that
completed her soul, a view I hope to share with her someday.