SMILEY FACE

     I am pretty sure that I went to college.  I have a diploma that proves that I did.  I don’t remember too much about it really.  My friends tell me I had a wonderful time though.  My major was political science.  I remember nothing.  Spanish?  Cerveza is all I got.  Math?  My brain is empty.  My kids don’t believe I ever finished high school.  It amazes me today what I have forgotten and what I can remember.  Of course I cannot remember many of the things I have forgotten and I am grateful for that.

     The college that I went to was very small.  It was in a little town in Virginia.  There was not much in terms of a social life off of our campus.  Because of that, social activities revolved around the campus.  At the center of our social life, in those days, were fraternities.  It was obvious to me that I wanted to join a fraternity as quickly as possible.  At that time, I was a social animal, social was my minor, and animal was my major.  I had to make a choice, though, as far as what fraternity I wanted to pledge.  I had narrowed down the list in the first few weeks of college to two fraternities. 

     Fraternities tend to take on the identity of the brothers that make them up.  There was the fraternity with the smart guys.  That one was out.  I did not qualify.  A couple of fraternities were comprised of well-heeled and wealthy guys.  That was out too. I did not qualify on either count. There was a geek fraternity.  I did not qualify for that one at the time, though I do now. I wanted to find a fraternity that had the same priorities that I had. I was looking for a fraternity full of guys that liked to drink and chase girls, and not always in that order.  A fraternity that knew how to throw a party at a moment’s notice.  A fraternity that was made up of guys who would cut class to go fishing and drink beer or just cut class and drink beer.  I had narrowed it down to two. College is full of tough decisions.  

     I have learned, that if you can be patient, the decision will make itself for you.

     I was walking back to my dorm very early one morning.  I forget where I was coming from, but it is likely that even if I could remember where I was coming from, I would never admit to it in writing.  I may have been doing something commonly referred to as the “Walk of Shame” had I not used up all of my shame in high school.  I had no shame left.

     There was no one on the street but me.  It was quiet as I recall; the sun was just starting to come up and I could hear the birds chirping.  On the other side of the street was one of the fraternity mascot dogs heading back home.  The dog and I looked at each other for a second and shared a silent pledge to never tell anyone that we saw each other on the Walk of Shame.  It would have been very peaceful if it weren’t for the sound of a commercial riding lawn mower bouncing up the street behind me.  I turned around to see if the person riding the lawnmower was anyone I knew, hoping to catch a ride maybe.  He was still a few blocks away, but I could see the driver as clear as day.

     He was smiling.  It was not a normal smile.  His was a maniacal, satanic smile.  He always had that smile on his face.  It never changed.  Because of that smile and his diminutive stature, he was known all over campus as Smiley.  He was on the landscaping crew at the college.  Smiley was never regarded warmly by anyone.  He was known to lurk and linger anywhere that there may be women, leer at them and make snapping sounds with his tongue.  He was also known to cut the lawns in the courtyards of the dorms at ungodly early hours of the morning.  He zipped past me, smiling his lunatic smile and looking at me with his bulging, insane eyeballs.  He turned right, into the driveway and up onto the sidewalk.  He stopped for just a second, lowered the blades to the lawnmower, took off his green John Deere baseball cap, spit into it and put it back on.  I have no idea what that was all about, and it made me gag a bit.  Then he put the mower into gear and he was off.  

     He started at the center of the courtyard and worked his way outward.  There was a women’s dorm at the closed end of the court yard, a men’s dorm on right side, and a women’s dorm on the left.  The first beer can that flew out of a window missed his head by a few inches.  It was full, so it could not have possibly been thrown by anyone I knew.  I stopped and leaned on a sign post next to the sidewalk to watch.  I didn’t know what was going to happen exactly, but I knew enough to know that I wanted to watch it.  

    

Each dorm room had two windows and each window had a set of the old metal venetian blinds.  Most of the students raised their venetian blinds to throw things at Smiley and you could hear the sound of those old metal blinds being pulled up over the roar of his lawn mower.  One window in the men’s dorm remained closed, though, and that guy was just throwing things right through the venetian blinds.  There was a biology 101 text book that missed way to the right.  A bra flew out of one of the windows of the men’s dorm like a Frisbee.  Then a real Frisbee flew out of one of the windows of the women’s dorm.

     Smiley dodged them all and kept cutting the lawn like a demon.  He was hunkered down over the steering wheel with that smile on his face like he was driving a stolen Nascar.  He did not stop for the things that missed him; he just ran them over.  It made a dreadful sound when he did that.  The shrapnel that came out was kind of pretty though.  His circles were getting wider and wider and as they did, it brought him closer to the windows of each dorm.  Someone caught him in the side of his head with a tennis ball, but he shook it off and then ran it over on his next pass.  The next time he passed, an arm shot out of the window with the closed venetian blinds and tried to grab him.  The arm was not long enough.  

     It was long enough on Smiley’s next pass.  That arm shot out of that window at lightning speed.  It was like a blur when it caught Smiley square in the chest and knocked him clear off his seat.  He hit the ground behind the lawnmower.  The lawnmower kept going until it hit one of the columns at the entrance to the dorm.  The engine kept running and the wheels started to spin.  The arm sticking out of the window through the venetian blinds was flailing around wildly, trying to grab Smiley. Smiley stood up and moved to retrieve his lawnmower.  Before he could take a step though, a second arm appeared through the venetian blinds.  The two arms grabbed Smiley by his shoulders and in one smooth motion pulled him through the venetian blinds.  

     It happened so quickly that at first I thought that Smiley had simply disappeared.  One second he was standing there, smiling; the next second he had vanished into thin air.  I had never seen anything like that in my life.  The lawn mower was starting to shake and smoke.  I was wondering if I should just walk away or go over and turn off the lawn mower, when Smiley bolted out of the door.  He had a look of complete and total horror on his face.  He was still smiling but his hat was gone.  He jumped back on his lawn mower and drove off.  I was awestruck.  I had to find out who had done that.  That guy was my hero.

     I walked into the dorm just as an upperclassman named Woody was walking out of his room in green and red plaid boxer shorts.  Woody looked at me, walked over to the trash can in the hallway and threw Smiley's green John Deere baseball cap into the trash can.  He nodded to me, I nodded to him, and he went back into his room and closed the door.  My decision on what fraternity to pledge was made.  I would pledge the fraternity that Woody belonged to.

     If you are patient, decisions tend to make themselves for you.  

     That is all.