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Wednesday, November 27, 2013

I GOT NOTHING


I am a grateful man.  That was not always the case.  These days, I am grateful for what I have, and for that I am grateful.  I usually think of the things I am grateful for each day, as I am lying in my bed at night, thank God for them and then drift off to sleep.  These days I sleep like a baby.  A three hundred pound snoring baby, but a baby nonetheless.  That was not always the case either.  Last night, though, my gratitude reached another level.

     Last night I could not fall asleep.  For some reason I started to think about the things that I don’t have.  Things that I had once and no longer have.  Thing I have never had.  Things I should have had but never got.  There were a lot of things on that list.  I tried to think of them all and every time I thought I had finished the list, something else would pop into my head.

     Once, I had a job I hated.  I don’t have that job any more.  I used to drink too much.  I don’t drink any more.  I used to be consumed with a fear of the future, and the unknown. I am not afraid of many things these days.  I used to worry.  These days I prepare instead.  Guilt, shame, envy, muscle tone- all gone.  Lost for now.  I could have them all back, I suppose, if they didn’t weigh me down so much.  I am too old to carry that weight these days.

     Then there were the things that I should have had but never got.  Things like the broken back that should have left me crippled. I am not crippled.  The night I should have frozen to death, but didn’t.  The times, that if I had gotten what I;d deserved, I would have likely spent a lot of time behind bars.  Today, I am free.  And I am free because I did not get what I deserved.

     Then there are the things I have never had.  I have never had cancer or any terminal disease.  I have never lived in fear of being diagnosed with a terminal disease either.  I have never worried about getting fat and out of shape and that explains exactly why I am fat and out of shape.  I have never had everything that I wanted.  I wanted a rhinoceros once.  I wanted a machine gun too. I never got them.  I wanted to die once too.  I didn’t get that either.

     So, this year, I am not only grateful for what I have, I am even more grateful for what I don’t have.  Because what I don’t have has given me more than I ever thought I would have. 

     That is all.

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