I am a grateful man. That was not always the
case. These days, I am grateful for what I have, and for that I am
grateful. I usually think of the things I am grateful for each day, as I
am lying in my bed at night, thank God for them and then drift off to
sleep. These days I sleep like a baby. A three hundred pound
snoring baby, but a baby nonetheless. That was not always the case
either. Last night, though, my gratitude reached another level.
Last night I
could not fall asleep. For some reason I started to think about the
things that I don’t have. Things that I had once and no longer
have. Thing I have never had. Things I should have had but never
got. There were a lot of things on that
list. I tried to think of them all and every time I thought I had
finished the list, something else would pop into my head.
Once, I had a
job I hated. I don’t have that job any more. I used to drink too
much. I don’t drink any more. I
used to be consumed with a fear of the future, and the unknown. I am not afraid
of many things these days. I used to
worry. These days I prepare
instead. Guilt, shame, envy, muscle tone- all gone. Lost for
now. I could have them all back, I suppose, if they didn’t weigh me down
so much. I am too old to carry that weight these days.
Then there
were the things that I should have had but never got. Things like the
broken back that should have left me crippled. I am not crippled. The night I should have frozen to death, but
didn’t. The times, that if I had gotten
what I;d deserved, I would have likely spent a lot of time behind bars. Today, I am free. And I am free because I did not get what I
deserved.
Then there are
the things I have never had. I have
never had cancer or any terminal disease. I have never lived in fear of
being diagnosed with a terminal disease either. I have never worried
about getting fat and out of shape and that explains exactly why I am fat and
out of shape. I have never had
everything that I wanted. I wanted a
rhinoceros once. I wanted a machine gun too. I never got them. I
wanted to die once too. I didn’t get that either.
So, this year,
I am not only grateful for what I have, I am even more grateful for what I
don’t have. Because what I don’t have
has given me more than I ever thought I would have.
That is all.
