I was confused. Satan the cat was
halfway up the Christmas tree and the world was supposed to come to an end next
week. I hope we didn’t take Satan the cat with us. I wondered if
Satan the cat climbing up the Christmas tree was a signal that the end of the
world had begun. He glared at me from behind the spinning little drummer boy
ornament. He was judging me, I am sure. That is ok, though.
That is what cats do. They judge people. He was thinking that I
hate him. He is a smart cat. Even so, he doesn’t know that the world will end
next Friday. Or maybe he does and that is why he is trying to pack in as
much mayhem as possible before the Mayan Apocalypse.
The end of the world is coming and I have
no idea what to pack. Usually I can pack what I need in a few
minutes. I have a simple formula that I normally use: (number of
days away) + (travel day(s) to) + (travel day (s) back) + (number of days
away/7) + (1){sweat variable} + (1){traumatic accident involving blood stains
variable} + (1){vomit variable} x 1/2) + 1 {just in case variable} = number of
each clothing unit. Then I add a belt, two pairs of shoes, one tie, a
hair brush, tooth brush, razor, deodorant, cologne, phone charger, one hat, a
purple Speedo and I am done. The formula has always worked before. I
can’t use that formula for the end of the world, though, because I don’t know
when the world will start again. I was confused.
When I am confused, I like to sit on the
sofa and watch football until the confusion passes. Sometimes, if the
games are good, it may take the whole weekend.
I was sitting on the sofa when my youngest daughter, Sugar, sat down
next to me. “Why are you confused again Daddyboy?” she said.
“Well, Sugar, the world is ending next
Friday and I have no idea what to pack,” I said.
“If the world is ending, do I have to go
to school next week?”
“Yes.”
“Wait! It is ending when?”
“This coming Friday.”
“OMG.”
“Don’t be upset Sugar.”
“Upset? How could I not be
upset? The world is ending and I don’t have anything to wear! Look
at my hair! And I need a pedi!” She
got up and ran into the kitchen. I was hoping that she would settle down
a bit and maybe even cook some bacon for the end of the world. It would
be a nice touch to end the world with a mouthful of bacon. I should have
known better. My wife, Trixie, came around the corner of the kitchen
looking like a wide eyed lunatic. It’s a good look for her, so she wears
it often.
“Where are my keys?” Trixie asked.
“In your hand,” I said.
“Oh, Right. We have to go. We will be back
a awhile.”
“Where are you going?”
“Errands.”
“What kind of errands?”
“Emergency errands.”
I just shrugged. As I’ve said before,
when women start rolling, it is best to let them roll. They will stop
rolling when they are ready to stop rolling and not a minute before. I
heard the door slam and then the tires on the Subaru squeal. As Sugar and
Trixie rolled toward an emergency end of the world makeover, I got back to working
on my confusion and watching football. It looked like my confusion was
going to go to overtime before a turnover ended the game. Then it hit me.
About four thousand years ago, these
Mayans predicted that the world would cease to exist on Friday. If the Mayans
are so smart, where are they now? The Mayans ceased to exist about one
thousand years ago. It seems that the Mayans were not that smart. Silly
Mayans. Then I changed the channel to
learn that twenty elementary school students were murdered today by a stranger
at their school.
It seems that the Mayans may have been
right after all. It may also explain why they didn't stick around until
the end.
That is all.
No comments:
Post a Comment